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Thursday, December 12, 2013
Insecure relationships
Well, feel like blogging because I feel that I want to rant, I need to rant. Everybody needs to rant, depending on each people ways. I can't rant on anything else, I can only rant here. Today, mummy say she wants to head over to Bedok Mall for Lunch, so I said okie, go then. And mummy first question is, Is my half a son working today ? And my answer to her was No, he's not working. And mummy said, Let's call him along for Lunch. So obviously, I went to ask deardear and deardear said his mum has got cooked Lunch for him and therefore he's not joining.
So I told mum that, Your half a son mum has cook Lunch for him, he's not joining. So mum took the initiative to say, Okie, then let's call him down for a chit-chat, it's okie not to eat. To my surprise, mum will said that, as he normally doesn't bother much when people rejected her. So I ask deardear and once again, deardear rejected. Well, which I told mum, and she gave me the roll eyes face, and from that point, I knew it was game over. Mum isn't a person who takes initiative, and once she do that, she must be in a very good mood. All the times and effort I take to help deardear build a good image and impression has all gone down the drain.
Mum is a person who is very hard to satisfied in terms of this. I dun understand why, normal guys would be very happy upon hearing that, but I dun understand why my doesn't seem so, it look more likes he's rejecting the offer then anything else. Okie, maybe deardear's really being shy, but then, the feelings and everything just makes me think that he is rejecting instead of anything else. Mum already said, it's okie for not cooking, he can come and chit-chat, which makes no excuses ? But why ? I really dun understand.
You're not my officially boyf and yet I'm doing so much, sometimes, it makes me feel that I'm doing way too much, I should start not to do so much. People just dun understand and appreciate. All along, deardear has been saying he's not ready for relationship, wanna focus on study, career etc. Then why does he tells me, after Siwen's birthday, he's going to ask me for relationship ? So after Siwen's birthday, you study and career all build ? To me, it feels more like an excuses, you just wanna complete your promise and that's it. If that's the case, why not just say wanna complete promise ? Or maybe you really wanna focus on career and study, I dunno.
I blogged this top halfway and I went out with mummy and Nikki to Bedok Mall for Lunch @ 12 plus and now it;s 11.30pm, going 12am soon. Well, wasn't feeling so happy all along, cause I still think that it's not right for him to reject mummy twice. How would he feel if I were to reject his mum twice ? But it's too late, as I've told mum, and mum noe me. I give everybody once chance, once you miss it, you won get it back so soon. Some people might think that this is revenge, but this isn't revenge, this is just to make you feel that, you should cherish your chances.
Well, with a lil bit of dear's sweet talk and stuffs, back to square one, had massage and everything. Was so tired to walk so far and yet deardear still wanna go so far, just for the sake of few sushi ?! Well, forget it, let's go, requested to take bus instead of walk as I'll really die, really die on the spot, I'm way too tired. And when I told deardear, let's take the bus back, and he insisted walk, well, according to him, let's walk and he say he couldn't take it as I was walking too slow ? I'm like so tired, how fast can you expect me to be ? And well, he decided to wave a cab, well, good idea, let's get into a cab. Deardear wanna pay for the cab, but I doesn't want it.
Back home, showered and we had our dinner. Was feeling so irritated with both him and Nikki. Nikki dunno how to auto, people wan to eat, she still wan to draw, eat le draw will die meh ? Taking 1 quarter of the table. The one wan, like handicap person, wan people to serve. In my whole life, I never serve people until such a full set, make water, prepare food, take this take that, then finish, clear up, etc. I dun even do that to my dad, the most I only prepare food. How can I not get irritated ? But still, I enjoyed my meal with dear luh. And after meal, well, same old thing. Time for drama. The big dua pek gong, which is deardear will start lying down on my bed and expect me to clean all the mess up.
Well, after cleaning up, same old thing, drama together. Well, the ending part of us was damn ridiculous, I dun understand why deardear got blown up for no reason ? And well, he said because I kept comparing who did more and less. I feel that this type of things should be fair, especially when both of us enjoy the game. Well, if I dun compare, let's do it this way, you love me will do, I dun have to love you. Why compare who must love who ? Well, I guess, we just had too much of it and it's time to cut down It's not the first time we go unhappy over this matter. And everytime when deardear blown up and get all attitude, I got scare, real scare.
My heart kept having this feeling as through my heart is dropping from 1500 feet from the sky every 5 minutes. And the feeling is like when you ride a collar coaster and it went down a step slope, people experience it once and they're frightened. But I've to experience that every 5 minutes. Is this a sign of heartbreak ? I dunno. It just make me feel so tired and xinku. It feels as through my heart is really pain and not emotionally pain. I'm thinking, if this continue, when will I start to get heart attack ? Maybe during 20's ? Why do I deserve all this ? I realise, I've been crying myself to sleep more and more as time passby. Why ? Sometimes, I feel like me and deardear is a man made in heaven, but sometimes, I feel like we're drifting apart.
I told myself, this happens in every relationship, small picker, quarrel and everything will be fine. Which couple dun quarrel huh ? But then, sometimes, it makes me so stress that the thought of leaving has came by. Well, the other thought of me loving him just simply bring the thought of leaving away. I'm a person who wan things to go my way, I'll get rather unhappy when things doesn't go my way. I dunno why. Maybe because I'm a Leo ? Sometimes when things doesn't go my way, I'll start to think, why ? Which part went wrong ? And when I couldn't find the answer to which part went wrong, I'll start to think, why doesn't deardear follow my way ? Why ? Is it because of this or that and I'll get all paranoid and I'll start to think, this isn't the type of relationship I want. But as time pass, I realise, not all of my future boyf or husband is going to go all my way.
But then, the thought of going my way hasn't left. Sometimes, during the midnight, when my phone ring, I was hopping it was a message from deardear, telling me, he misses me, therefore he can't sleep etc. But then it never came, till once where deardear text me, he misses me and he couldn't sleep around 12.45am. But then my phone was silent and therefore, I didn't noe he message me all the way till 4am +, I wake and see my phone, then I realise. From then on, I off my silent, so that if deardear were to message me in the midnight again, I would noe. But I set my notification tone lower to the extend that only I would be able to hear it.
Everytime when I message deardear that, I couldn't sleep, I have a bad dream or I miss him, all my replies was, ' Baby, try to sleep, etc ' because he's sleep and I've no choice but to fake a sad face and said okie, but down deep, I was hopping deardear would pei me longer a bit and that's what I needed the most. But it never happen, and I doubt it will. And I'll start to get upset all over again. Everytime when I type a post, as long as thing, I'll end up deleting this and that and almost 80% of the blog post, because I noe deardear will read it someday and it doesn't look good. Best thing, both of us improve on it, worst thing, deardear get unhappy and another quarrel came which I dun really want.
And, deardear might be thinking, I'm trying to rant things about him, which I'm not. I'm just ranting how I feel deep inside and what I'm feeling. Also, everytime I blog about all this thing, my mood would either be low or super low, as in angry, sad, heartbreak etc. But everytime when I cool down or deardear make me happy back again, I would feel bastard for writing all this thing, and I'll end up deleting it again and left till 20%. Then when I'm sad, angry or heartbroken again, I'll redo the cycle again and again and again. But now I dun wanna do all my deleting, because I noe someday, I'll read it back again and to realise, how silly I previously was. But then if deardear is reading this, I hope he reads in a heart where he's standing in my shoe.
I just wan deardear to feel exactly how I felt and to understand me, so he'll not made me have roller coaster ride again and again anymore. Other then that, every other time with him, is the happiest things in life. ilovehim to the very max.